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By Laurie Guest
Maybe you’re like me. Many times over the past months, I have found myself paused in my path. It’s a pause that I can’t quite define, but it’s akin to indecision and that is not a road I find myself on very often. See, I’m a quick thinker and an even speedier decider. Ask anyone who has ever shopped with me. I’m good for one grand tour around the shop and then it is pay and go. If you’re a browser, I’m not your gal pal for shopping. When I create a plan in my business there is a healthy SWOT analysis, then I am off to the races, full steam. Looking back is not an action I was taught. In fact, my father many times would say to me, “Laurie, there is no sense looking in the review mirror, you can only focus on one direction and that is forward.” That’s why when the pandemic hit and most of us faced an abrupt change in how we conduct business, I didn’t freak out. I didn’t rush around and take quick action, I just faced forward. However, for the most part, I stopped moving at all. I stood still on purpose. Facing the unknown is like walking in a dense forest at night. Even with a flashlight in hand, you can only see a few feet in front of you. The darkness that stretches ahead is filled with the unknown, which can be scary. Turning and running back where you came from doesn’t help, it’s just as uncertain in that direction. The opposite reaction is to bravely put your head down and sprint as fast as you can and hope that you reach the other side without tripping on any hidden obstacles. Neither of those choices made sense to me. Moving cautiously, one small step at a time, while allowing myself the grace to rest and not keep up with everyone else was healthy for me. However, I knew that if I kept this mindset long-term there would be consequences, bad ones. Early on, I promised myself that after five months of pausing, I would make a decision on what my next action would be. My choices ranged from retire early to build a bigger boat, with a lot of options in between. In fact, it is mind-numbing the amount of options that exist for what I could do next. As the date approached, I realized that the real answer has to do with the flashlight, not the path ahead. It dawned on me that if I could use a brighter flashlight, I could see the path much better. With a little confidence, my strides could be longer and faster allowing me to pick up some momentum. Is that true for you too? Have you thought about how you can build a brighter flashlight? For me, I found my brighter flashlight in these three things:
A client recently asked me to do an hour–long program on confidence. This is a topic I have never spoken about before, so it forced me to stop and think about what goes into creating a confident self during challenging times. I had a blast giving the program, but what mattered most to me were the emails I received from several who watched the show and said it was just what they needed to hear right now. That’s when it occurred to me that maybe I can be a brighter flashlight for someone who only has a candle. Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success!
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By John O'Leary. This was originally posted on JohnOLearyInspires.com. When John O'Leary was 9 years old, he suffered burns over 100% of his body and was expected to die. He is now an inspirational speaker and bestselling author, teaching more than 50,000 people around the world each year how to live inspired. John's first book, ON FIRE: The 7 Choices to Ignite a Radically Inspired Life was published March 15, 2016. John is a contributing writer for Huff Post and Parade.com. John is a proud husband and father of four and resides in St. Louis, MO. Order John’s book today anywhere books are sold.
How long should I stay mad? Don’t know about you, but I ask myself this question with far more frequency than I’d like to admit. It’s likely one you’ve wrestled with, too. Perhaps after a friend let you down, a coworker missed an important deadline, a child disobeyed, or a petty fight erupted with a family member. And with the added stress of the approaching holidays, we’ll likely have additional occasions of being somehow slighted, offended, or let down. So, let me ask again, how long should we stay mad? This was a question Walter Wangerin had to answer, too. He shares vulnerably in his book Ragman: And Other Cries of Faith, that he and his wife had frequent disagreements when they were first married. Hot-tempered and prideful, his coping strategy in those early days was to storm out of the apartment, slam the door and walk it off. Well, on one such occasion after a small disagreement, Walter angrily turned away from his wife, grabbed his jacket, put it on, stormed outside and slammed the door shut. Only to realize his coat was stuck in the doorjamb. It was a frigid evening and pouring outside. The door was locked. He was trapped. With the steady rain falling, Walter had just two choices. He could take off the coat, leave it in the doorway and walk into the frigid rain without a jacket. Or. Or he could simply humble himself, ring the doorbell, have his wife open the door and be released from the prison. What would you do? Let humor, love, care, empathy – whatever connects you – be the bridge to forgiveness now. Walter rang the bell. His wife approached, looked out the window, and understood what happened. She saw her husband in the rain, soaked and stuck. The angry frown still present from their earlier fight dissolved into a gentle smile on her face. As she stepped closer, her smile grew in size, she began laughing, opened the door, lovingly grinned at her husband and invited him back in. And like that, the fight was over. The door was open and he was free to step out of the rain, into their apartment and back into relationship with his bride. It was that easy. But Walter, still upset, did what I think many of us would have done. He refused. He hadn’t proved his point clearly enough. He wasn’t done being mad. He wrote, “In that moment, I could simply have laughed with her. And humor would have provided the bridge to reconciliation. But I refused to do so. I gathered up my coat. And I walked off into the rainy evening. A prisoner of my own refusal to laugh.” My friends, how long should you stay mad? I must admit that in my life, and perhaps you’ve found in yours, that even with the door open and the bridge of reconciliation available, I tug on my jacket, turn around in anger, and walk into the cold rain by myself. But going forward, let’s determine to let go of our ego. Let’s choose to ring the bell, meet their smile with ours, and come back into the house. Let’s set down the poison, reenter relationship, and realize the gift of doing life, together. This is your day. Live Inspired. Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success! By Amy Dee
Years ago, I moved from Norway to the United States with my two little girls. While living overseas, my first husband and I started a very successful home-based business. I bought his permission to leave with our daughters by giving him half of our profitable business. It was the best business deal I’ve ever made. With only our suitcases, the three of us flew home to begin a safer and happier life. During those nine years of living in Norway, I ran our home-based business. Suddenly, it was gone. I had no idea what I would do. Leaving my home, friends, and significant financial security, I started over as a single mom of two. It was scary because I had no home, no job, no plan for the future. Fortunately, I had something much more robust: Hope. That hope carried me through renovating a hundred and six-year-old dumpy house and nursing school. Faith sustained me throughout the years of single parenting. It was an exciting and challenging time. Hope made me strong. Over the years, psychologists have studied optimism, grit, self-efficacy, passion, inspiration, etc. All of these are valuable. Unfortunately, there is one critical intervention that is often underrated and even shunned in our society. Hope is Unappreciated Hope is scoffed at because it appears weak, impractical, and even silly. It stirs up thoughts of an eternal optimist, sitting down for a picnic while the forest burns around her. However, studies repeatedly show that hope is critical to resilience. What is Hope? Merriam-Webster defines hope as : to cherish a desire with anticipation: to want something to happen or be true Most psychologists who study hope prefer the definition developed by the late Charles R. Snyder, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Kansas and a hope research pioneer. According to Snyder et al. (1991), hope is a positive cognitive state based on a sense of successful goal-directed determination and planning to meet these goals. Snyder’s model of hope has three components: goals, agency, and pathways. To clarify, ‘agency’ is our ability to shape our lives. We believe that we can make things happen. It also includes the motivation to reach the desired outcome. On the other hand, a pathway is a road that gets us there. No matter the size of a goal, we need a plan and a path to achieve a goal. The target could be some as simple as losing a few pounds or as challenging as running a marathon. In other words: Hope is the belief that your future can be better than your past, and you play a role in making it so. Hope Is Not Just An Emotion Hope is not just an emotion. Instead, hope is the mindset that drives resilient behavior. Hope is the pathway to resilience. Hope vs. Optimism Optimism is a positive attitude about a future event that is probable and likely to occur: the optimist expects that life will work out well and as expected (Scheier & Carver, 1993). Conversely, being hopeful is regarded as more realistic. A hopeful individual recognizes that life may not work out as planned, yet maintains positive expectancy directed toward possible outcomes that hold personal significance (Miceli & Castelfranchi, 2010). In fact, hope is the single best predictor of well-being compared to any other measures of trauma recovery. Psychologist Shane Lopez, Ph.D., is a senior scientist at Gallup and author of the 2013 book “Making Hope Happen”. Lopez, together with Matthew Gallagher, Ph.D., a psychologist at Boston University, found hope to be a strong predictor of positive emotions (Journal of Positive Psychology, 2009). Their research revealed that hope and optimism are different. Through his work with Gallop Polls, Lopez studied hope in millions of people. He found that both traits are essential for happiness and well-being, according to Lopez. While he concedes that hopefulness alone won’t make a person happy, he deems both are required to find contentment. “You have to knock down the hope domino to get to the happiness domino,” he says. Hope isn’t just wishful thinking. Hopefulness is different from wishing. “Wishing is ubiquitous, but it can be kind of an escape from reality. Hope is different because it has to do with facing reality,” says Jon G. Allen, Ph.D., a senior staff psychologist at The Menninger Clinic, a psychiatric hospital in Houston. “As I see it, hope is the motivation to stay in the game.” Hope Doesn’t Mean Pollyanna Hopeful people are not just perpetually cheerful types. They are not naive Pollyanna’s wearing rose-colored glasses. In fact, these people are often very realistic. After all, continuously setting unrealistic goals set you up for failure. Repeated failures can wear you down. As a result, your hope will diminish. Why Hope? Hope doesn’t just feel good, it is good for you. Randolph C Arnau University of Southern Mississippi and colleagues reported that hopeful people have a greater sense that life is meaningful (International Journal of Existential Psychology & Psychotherapy, 2010) There is evidence that hope can buffer adversity and stress. In addition, hope can predict critical outcomes. Best of all, hope can be learned and sustained. Human beings differ, and some people lean towards being more hopeful. Those who a more extraverted and agreeable tend to have more hope. Conversely, those of us who are more neurotic generally have less a bit less hope. People with a high degree of hope tend to be better at setting goals, according to psychologist Randolph C. Arnau. “A high-hope person tends to have more goals, and is quicker to focus on another if they fail.” Lopez has found hopeful people tend to share some commonalities. When challenged by a crisis, less hopeful people tend to shut down. Hopeful people are more likely to take action to help them cope. Hope Can Drive Success. After tracking college students for over three years, John Maltby, Ph.D., a psychologist at Leicester University, found students with more hope students had higher academic success. Maltby’s research discovered that hope better at predicting academic achievement than intelligence, personality, or previous academic performance (Journal of Research in Personality, 2010). The good news is, “Hope is an equal opportunity resource.” per Lopez. Three Steps for Building Hope Lopez describes three necessary steps for building hope: The first step is a process he calls “futurecasting.” Futurecasting requires you to envision a specific future goal. The key is to create a vision that is brilliantly alive. Let’s say you want to learn to speak Spanish for an upcoming trip to Spain. To begin with, Lopez suggests finding pictures of the sites you plan to visit. Use these pictures to create a collage and place it in an area where you will see it often. In other words, keep your goal front and center in your mind.” Really crystallize what you want your future to look like,” he says. Remember: The more intensely we feel about an idea or a goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment. Earl Nightingale Create a Path Secondly, create a path to your goal. You may remember that the idea of pathways is central to Snyder’s model of hope. After all, once you choose a destination, you must figure out a way to get there. If you want to learn Spanish for your upcoming vacation, look into language apps and classes to path the way to your success. Finally, plan for contingencies. Lopez’s research discovered that the most hopeful people create several possible solutions to a potential problem. Conversely, less hopeful people tend to consider only the best-case scenario. At most, they may create just one or two paths to their goal. Instead, Lopez tells us, “You have to come up with many ways to overcome those obstacles.” Hope and Trauma Trauma may require a fourth skill that Lopez calls “regoaling”. Years ago, I worked with a psychiatrist whose young son had been diagnosed with cancer. After years of medical treatment, his treatments stopped working. Heartbroken, they had to shift their goal from helping their son live to make the most of his last months on Earth. She and her husband took a sabbatical from their jobs. They took family trips to Disney World, the Grand Canyon, and New York. In the end, their goal changed. Rather than fighting to keep their little boy alive, their new goal was to keep him comfortable until he died. This little guy had even helped plan his own funeral. There wasn’t a dry eye in the church when the pallbearers entered wearing full out Star Wars costumes. His entire grade school class attended. Despite the heartache, the stories about this little boy left us all with hope. During these times, counseling can help people accept this new goal. In the end, they need to release old dreams and aims to create a new future. We Need Hope It is challenging to give up on a dream. But hope makes it more accessible. We need hope. “Many of the ancient religious texts reference faith, hope, and love. Hope is an ancient virtue and a basic human quality,” Lopez says. Hope is important because life can be tough. We all face obstacles. When dealing with challenges, having goals is not enough. To move towards those goals, we need to overcome all the twists and turns that come our way. When we harness hope, we can approach problems with a success mindset. This, in turn, will increase the chance that you will actually accomplish your goals. Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success! By Roger Crawford. This was originally published on Roger's blog.
As a keynote speaker, I have had the pleasure of working with many world-class individuals and organizations. Although they were from diverse backgrounds and businesses, they all had something in common – a winning mindset! The word mindset is defined as a mental attitude that predetermines a personal response and interpretation of situations. Another way of saying that is “Winning is more about how we choose to think versus the circumstances we face!” Here are four characteristics that can help you and your team develop and maintain a winning mindset: 1. Play to Learn All of us have heard the motivational phrase “Playing to Win.” While I believe in approaching our lives and work with this philosophy, what happens when you don’t win? How do we stay encouraged and engaged? It seems to me that as we “Play to Win” we can also “Play to Learn.” “Playing to win” goals are usually defined as success, victory, or mastery. While it is vitally important to measure our ability to achieve, we also need to identify methods to stay motivated when our results fall short. There are occasions when we have planned effectively and performed with excellence, but did not succeed. “Playing to learn” goals are based upon your performance, regardless of the results. You evaluate these particular goals by asking questions such as, have I bettered my best? Since you are comparing your current performance to past performance and measuring improvement, this type of mindset goal is entirely within your control. Even when you don’t achieve an outcome goal, you can maintain motivation by achieving a “playing to learn” goal related to the same area. Look at times in your life where you have failed. Would you take that experience back in exchange for the lessons you learned? Likely, the future success you have had can be partially attributed to the wisdom you gained from your previous setback. You win every time when you play to learn! It is important to set goals over which you have as much control as possible. Goals based solely on outcomes can leave us vulnerable to discouragement, because of circumstances beyond our control, such as:
The point is this: No one wins every time, however, we can learn every time! 2. Risk = Opportunity An integral part of a winning mindset is seeing opportunity and risk as partners. In other words, you can’t have one without the other. I always wondered how some people found the courage to take risks continually. It’s because they understand that being risk-averse also means being opportunity-averse. Once I understood that, it became must easier to try something new and step out of my comfort zone. Here is why: I realized that risk can produce butterflies, but passing up a great opportunity will make you sick! It is all about how you interpret risk and opportunity. 3. Winning happens during practice The will to win begins with preparing to win. My tennis coach Tony Fisher used to say, “Practice like you compete, so you can compete like you practice.” Peak performers are always looking to better their best, and they understand that practice is the difference between mediocre and magnificent! They continually improve because they practice not only when they feel motivated, but also when they don’t feel motivated. 4. Quit! People with a winning mindset make a habit of quitting! Now, I realize this seems a bit counterintuitive from what we believe about success. However, winners quit any attitude or action that is not moving them closer to their goals. They say, “DO” to whatever is contributing to their success and “NO” to whatever is delaying their success. Tim Ferris, author of Tools For Titans, calls this creating your “Not-to-Do” list. We are all busy, so it’s important that we separate what we could do from what we should do. This can only be accomplished when you have absolute clarity of your goals. Once you establish exactly where you want to go, you create a clear divide between what you could do and what you should do. When an individual wins, we tend to look first at their external skills. However, the difference-maker is what you can’t see — their inner character. These inner qualities are something we can all develop, nurture, and benefit from. Think about it: You are the only one who decides how you respond and interpret your situation. Only you determine the quality and content of your thoughts! You have everything you need right now to embrace a winning mindset, so Game On! Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success! By Steve Gilliland
Sometimes, when I see a quote that I have loved, it is much like a visit from an old friend who stops by only briefly and yet warms your heart. As with most beloved quotes, my friend came at a most opportune time. The Wise The biblical scholar Hillel is credited with the following quote: “If I am not for myself, who is for me? And being for my own self, what am ‘I’?” The quotation speaks to one of my favorite topics: Responsibility. True, we are responsible for ourselves and our own actions. Interestingly, type “responsibility” into a search engine and ask a question such as “Why aren’t people responsible anymore?” You are liable to find several articles on the topic of parents being responsible for their children and children being aware of their rights (presumably so they can become uninhibited). It is all so troublesome to me. In fact, the whole topic of responsibility has had me thinking a lot these past months, if not the last couple of years. Hillel’s quote is divided into two equal parts. One cannot stand without the other. When he wrote this quote back in ancient Babylonia, he stood on the mountain top of wisdom. While he could not see 2020, he could see those around him. Much has not changed. Part one is about ourselves; part two is about others. Ourselves Being for ourselves does not mean we are just responsible for ourselves. The responsibility is about how we “walk around” in this world. Of course, we must be our own best friend, take care of our families, and of course, we must do the right thing and be ethical souls, but I think it goes beyond that. If I make a mistake, I had better own up to it. If I hurt someone I need to apologize, whether to my child or to the mail carrier. I have taught my children to “own up” as well. When you make an oversight, own it! My responsibility to life should allow me to understand how precious are my days and weeks; they add up to years, and we don’t have enough of them. I must explore the beauty of this earth, and take in art and music and even the hobbies that are unique to me. In short, I must do all I can to enjoy my life and to enjoy this ride that is life. My responsibility to my life tells me to shut down the computer and the digital devices, turn off Netflix, and enjoy a conversation with my family and friends. My responsibility to myself tells me to be more content with what I have and to be thankful for a multitude of blessings regardless of my circumstances. I’m not talking about material things, but things that make my heart soar: the smiles of my grandchildren, hearing the words “I love you” when they are spoken genuinely; to appreciate my freedoms and my health; to understand that everything I have can be fleeting and that health, wealth, and security are illusory. Being for myself means never forgetting the audiences, both virtual and in-person, who have appreciated my message. Being responsible for myself in all of these ways motivates me to start each day reading my Bible and end with a prayer. For indeed, I have known hardship and sorrow in 2020, and I will never forget how it refocused me and how far I have come. Others Now we come to the “what am I?” portion of the famous quotation. Many times, over the year, I have written about people who are negative, and whether intentional or unplanned, surround us with their negative energy. The majority of negative people are the tortured souls who care only for themselves, and I will never be one of those. Nor should you. For I believe that negative people, who are only for themselves, have lost genuine compassion and understanding. Negative parents raise children who only see pessimism; negative teachers and mentors develop unconstructive students, and melodramatic people see bleak outcomes and socialize in drama. You have to take responsibility for your actions. You only look like a fool when you try to blame other people or circumstances for your behavior. I believe we are put on this earth to help, support, empower, and create peace. Negative and self-regarding people can’t do it, and won’t do it. In terms of our families and friends, we must be responsible enough to open our hearts to the hardships of others. If I, personally, can raise up someone who is fallen, I will try. If I can make a difference using my skills and passion, and energy, I will. I know that I have a responsibility to life itself. I know that I am nothing as a person if I only view the world through the lens of “me” and not “us.” I suppose that at the end of the day, I’d like to be known as a man who was responsible. Responsible to myself surely, but a man who saw his responsibility in terms of what he could do to lift-up those around him. If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else. Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success! By Colette Carlson
During an action-packed movie scene, it’s not uncommon to watch a getaway vehicle, being chased by seven squad cars, fly 300 feet off a bridge, land smack dab in the middle of a busy freeway going the wrong way and still make it to safety. Or, perhaps during a thriller an individual awakes to the sound of breaking glass, but rather than call 911, they creep downstairs to investigate sans protection while calling out, “Is anyone there?” If you remained glued to the screen, you have mastered the art of suspending judgment. After all, not letting go of your critical mind and picking apart every scene would ruin the viewing experience. Yet, too many people refuse to leverage this same strategy in their personal and professional life. Take a look at the following three scenarios to recognize your own ability to suspend judgment:
Remember, every thought begins with you. Your thoughts lead to feelings either increasing your anxiety or bringing you calm. Thoughts leads to behaviors. Behaviors that showcase your strong leadership skills or display your lack of leadership. Therefore, rather than react with doubt, frustration, annoyance or criticism, why not suspend judgment and choose to assume everyone is doing their best. And let it rest. Sure, we’ve all been told that assumptions can backfire, yet they also help you avoid inaccurate or unhelpful feelings that do nothing but drive an unnecessary wedge between you and another. For example, if a colleague hasn’t returned your emails as quickly as you desire, here’s an opportunity to suspend judgment. Rather than immediately assume they are disorganized, slow to take action, or avoiding you, assume they’re doing their best. Perhaps they’re simply overwhelmed with their new home-schooling responsibility or a family member or friend has taken ill. Suspending judgment within your own family works wonders, too. Not everyone’s definition of clean is equal, nor how people choose to invest their downtime. Although I personally wear news cancelling headphones and choose to gather my information online, my sweetheart prefers to both start and end his day watching news…loudly. Rather than suggest my way is healthier or more efficient, I allow him to honor his own path. Trust me, it’s not easy, but it’s my mind that dictates how I want to view the situation, and I prefer a joyful relationship over one filled with frustration, misery or negativity. While you’re at it, why not suspend judgment when it comes to your own self? After all, you are learning how to navigate in a world you have never experienced before. You are learning how to be productive, focused and effective in an environment riddled with ambiguity. You’re learning how to lead and be present for others in a new high-tech, high-touch, but “don’t touch” environment. Why not choose to be understanding, empathetic and compassionate rather than critical? Why not choose to assume that right now, everyone is doing their best? In the process, you’ll be exercising the invaluable, connected leadership skills of empathy, understanding and compassion. And who can’t use more of that right now? Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success! By Josh Linkner
We effortlessly perform the same morning ritual – rushing the kids off to school, gulping down the usual coffee, taking the standard route to work. When visiting our favorite restaurants, we gravitate toward the same menu items instead of trying something new. We listen to our favorite musical artists on repeat and then binge-watch our favorite shows. Following proven (and safe) routines is only natural. In fact, our brains are hard-wired to stick to the tried-and-true. When our ancestors discovered a safe route to find berries without getting eaten by a tiger, it made sense to stick to that plan instead of taking a dangerous risk for the sake of novelty. But today, our repetitive patterns can rob us of our creative potential… and even our happiness. Two weeks after buying that new car, you barely notice the aspects that once made your heart thump with excitement. Psychologists call this phenomenon hedonic adaptation. It’s the principle that our enthusiasm for something new (location, food, purchase, relationship, etc.) reverts back to the previous baseline once we get accustomed to it. As routine sets in, happiness wanes. The same forces can weigh down our creativity. The first day in a new office is loaded with fresh stimuli, electrifying our creative energy to new heights. But sit at the same desk for years, and the creative voltage can easily dissipate. This is why people often have their best ideas in the shower, on vacation, in nature, or enjoying live music … When we break free from our normal surroundings, we unlock creativity. While a change of venue can help, switching the scenery isn’t the only worthy approach. In fact, you’ll experience a direct creative boost when you do things in fresh, unexpected ways. To this end, try wearing your watch on the opposite wrist. For dinner, eat your dessert first and your salad last. Try a new genre of music or pick up a magazine that you’d ordinarily never consider. Even the smallest changes can elevate your creative output. In a recent study, researchers split a group of 68 participants into two groups. Each group was instructed to slowly eat a bag of popcorn, but one group was asked to do so using chopsticks. At the end of the experiment, the chopsticks-using group reported a significantly higher level of enjoyment than their traditional counterparts. The simple change in procedure yielded a big boost to their happiness. Musician and poet Tuli Kupferberg famously said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.” So let’s change up our routines in order to unlock both creativity and happiness. Brush your teeth with the opposite hand. Reverse the order of your daily chores. Watch a brand-new TV show. Order something new from the menu. …And don’t forget the chopsticks. Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
If you’ve read my blogs or seen me speak, you know that my life and work were highly influenced by the time I spent as a home care social worker at Hospice of Northern Virginia. The opportunity to sit by the bedside of someone at the end of their life was extraordinary and because of that experience, I’ve always looked at the world differently. You don’t have to explore much of my past to see how I became interested in hospice care. I grew up in a rural area and attended more than twenty funerals before heading off to college. That’s what we did in small towns where we knew most of the people in our community. A couple of those funerals occurred during my junior year in high school when five people in my school died of illnesses or accidents. For a school of 600, that was quite a high number. Ironically, later that summer, I got a job mowing cemeteries and tended to the graves of many people I had once known. It was a dead-end job, but someone had to do it (sorry). In graduate school, a childhood friend died in a car accident and my nephew died of cancer. It was at that point in my life I realized that while I had been exposed to death through different experiences, I didn’t really understand how to cope. So I did what any reasonable person would do, I read Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, On Death and Dying, and got a job in hospice care. After a decade of working in a hospice environment and experiencing subsequent losses as I’ve gotten older, what I’ve learned is that most of us aren’t comfortable talking about death, dying, or grief. In fact, we even use different words to describe death. When someone dies, we say that they have passed, passed on, passed away, left us, lost their life, bit the bullet, kicked the bucket, paid the piper, cashed in their chips, or bit the dust—even though we all know they died. We seem not only uncomfortable with our own potential demise, we don’t particularly like it when others talks about the death of a loved one either. More than once, a grieving individual has told me that friends won’t even mention the deceased person’s name. Unfortunately, as a result of our own discomfort, we may miss the opportunity to comfort others. Yet, if we are open to the discussion, we may find that we benefit from the process as well. To achieve that, we must be comfortable with where these conversations might go. A few years ago, I was in Traverse City, MI for a speaking engagement. Rather than take a cab to a local restaurant, I decided to grab a quick meal at the hotel bar. After I ordered, a man sat down next to me and we started talking. I learned that he was a salesman attending a conference in the same hotel. He then asked what I did for a living. This is always an awkward moment for me because I never know how to describe what I do. I’m a speaker, author, and humorist but that sounds a bit pompous. Yet, I don’t want to take up too much time explaining the mechanics of it all. And often, I feel like people might look at me as if I’m Chris Farley’s motivational speaker character from Saturday Night Live. For the record, I currently live in a house by the woods—not in a van by the river. Nonetheless, I explained that I was a former hospice social worker turned speaker and humorist. He said, “Oh. I know about hospice. We used hospice for my dad…and my son.” My death antennae immediately went up. The man was about forty years old so having a father in hospice care was not that unusual. But, at his age, having a son who needed hospice care was both atypical and heartbreaking. I said, “I’m curious about your son. What happened?” He explained that two years earlier, his twelve year-old son had died of a glioblastoma (brain tumor). He showed me pictures of his son and explained the course of the illness. And while he was comfortable discussing the experience, he admitted that he was still struggling with the loss. I listened to his story and then shared some information about the benefits of bereavement groups and counseling. I explained how this kind of loss makes us feel out of sync with others because the rest of the world keeps on going while we feel stuck in an emotional abyss. That being said, I tried to reassure him that, based on my work with other bereaved individuals, his reactions were very normal. He seemed relieved to know that he wasn’t going crazy and even showed interest in joining a support group when he got back home. I was grateful that I could be of some assistance. The interesting thing about that conversation was that I felt I had been given a great gift—to be able to sit with this man as he described his discomfort. I didn’t have to take on his pain nor did I need to fix it. I simply needed to listen as he described the challenges he was experiencing. Obviously, as a hospice social worker, I was comfortable in this role. But personally, I could also relate to him because two of my family members had died of brain tumors. Ultimately, perhaps, the real connection we had was knowing that death is a universal human experience that we can all understand. As they say, none of us will get out of this world alive. It’s inevitable that we and the people around us will die. And while it’s not such a pleasant thing to discuss, those who have experienced a loss usually want to talk about it. We give people a great gift when we can get past our own discomfort and allow them to talk about what they are going through. In those moments true human connections occur. And that’s what life and depth are all about. Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success! By Mary Kelly
Communication is key when it comes to anything that involves other people. We humans are a social species, and communication is involved in nearly everything you do. And yet, so many of us get it wrong, even to those closest to us. Some people are born with a natural ability to communicate well. Their communication methods seem to be easy for them and people gravitate towards them. Others may struggle with getting people to listen. Regardless of what category you fall into, it’s likely that you can benefit from improving your communication skills. Why Better Communication Helps Us Did you know that most businesses consider your communication skills to be the most important characteristic about you? This means that you could have top-notch knowledge and job skills, but still fail to get the job of your dreams if you’re lacking good communication skills. Communication is also critical to your personal relationships. Have you ever had a disagreement with someone in your family? Of course you have! Most arguments are the result of poor communication. Couples and family members that are good communicators lead happier personal as well as professional lives. Proper communication prevents misunderstandings, and saves time so you don’t have to repeat yourself. Fewer mistakes are made with good communication. It is estimated that poor communication costs business 37 billion dollars a year globally. How Can Leaders Improve Their Communication With Others? Communication is a two-way street, not a monologue. This means we might have excellent skills, but if the recipient doesn’t understand, then we have not communicated effectively. Remember, the onus of making sure the message is received is always on the person who is delivering the message. As a leader, we can facilitate the process by being effective listeners as well. Great leaders make it easy for people to communicate with them, and they are able to absorb and synthesize information quickly. It takes practice. This is why it’s important not only to develop our speaking skills, but our listening skills, too. We generally cannot affect the skill level of others, so we need to strengthen our own communication skills. As an excellent communicator, more people will understand us, everything around us will run more efficiently, and we get what we want accomplished. To improve communication skills, try these 5 techniques:
Bonus: Let it go. Don’t hang on to arguments, either at home or at work, because you want to be mad. That is childish and unprofessional. We will not win every discussion. There will be disappointments. Life is full of disappointments. Once the issue is over, let it go. Becoming a better communicator doesn’t happen overnight. But if we keep practicing and tweaking our skills, we will be surprised at what we can accomplish. Planning your next event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to schedule your ideal speaker and make your event a success! |
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