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By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
When I was a kid, one of my friends had just learned to use a lawn mower and was mowing his yard for the first time. I sat across the street and watched as he mowed a strip of yard, retraced his steps on that same strip, and then moved over to mow the next strip. It never occurred to him that he could actually mow in both directions. I remember laughing so hard, I almost watered my own yard, if you know what I mean. Mowing the yard is a solitary, somewhat mundane activity. It involves a repetitive process of back and forth while being hypnotized by the sound of the engine. When I mow my yard, I usually take advantage of the solitude by blasting 70’s music through my earbuds while pondering some ideological thesis or real-world dilemma. I wish I could report that I spend my deep-in-thought, back-and-forth time developing brilliant solutions for my life or business. Unfortunately, what usually happens is that I obsess about some inane experience that has irritated me until I’m totally stressed out by the time the yard is done. During my most recent mowing experience, my mind was focused on something more significant—the challenges we have been facing in our world over the past few months. As I’ve read the news, followed social media, and engaged in discussions with family, friends, and colleagues, I’ve been confronted with the same dilemma over and over. I keep wondering, “What can I say?” You see, I am a speaker and author. I use words to share stories, create new perspectives, and hopefully, generate a bit of laugher. My industry is full of thought leaders, authors, experts, and motivators. I feel like we’re the ones who are supposed to have all the answers to life’s most perplexing questions. And yet, I don’t know what to say. I have no clear-cut answers. In fact, I feel like all I have are questions. In response to the coronavirus or the racial divisiveness in our country, I watch newspeople, political insiders, and community leaders make comments such as, “all we need to do is ____” or “what they should have done is ____.” And while sometimes I might agree with the comment, I soon realize that if the solutions were that easy, the problems would have already been fixed. The issues are complex, the solutions are multifaceted, and no one has all the answers. Interestingly, during all this unrest, I have found myself aligning with people who see the world as I see it, and discounting anyone who offers an opposing position. For those with whom I disagree, I don’t have to hear more than a sound byte before I’ve already turned them off. As I consider my behavior, it occurs to me that perhaps I don’t have the only perspective on certain issues. That being said, since it is my perspective, I tend to hold to it firmly. What if I’m mowing my yard one strip at a time and not even aware that there is a more effective approach? Since my yard still gets mowed, I have no need to find another way. Shortly after my wife and I were married, I decided to install crown molding in my dining room. If you know anything about installing crown molding, you’re probably shaking your head in anticipatory amusement right now. At the time, I didn’t have a clue. But a friend of mine was a carpenter so I asked him to show me how to do it. Crown molding sits at a forty-five-degree angle, diagonally covering the edge between a ceiling and a wall. That’s pretty straightforward. But when you get to the inside corner of a room, you have to saw the wood at a unique angle and cut it backwards. Essentially, the process involves some sort of witchcraft and the molding was virtually impossible to cut using the amateur tools that I owned. On one corner, I cut twelve pieces of wood trying to fit two together neatly. Finally, I just installed them anyway and squirted tons of caulk into the huge gap where they didn’t fit together at all. But here’s the thing: my carpenter friend understood how to cut crown molding and could do it with his eyes closed. He could even explain it to me in simple terms. Yet, not one word he said led to any understanding on my part. There was a huge disconnect between his perspective and mine. This is what the world feels like to me today. There are a number of gaps in our understanding which leads to confusion, frustration, and anger. When we see a friend on Facebook write, “I don’t mean to be political but…,” we immediately cringe, knowing that it’s not going to turn out well. When we see a corporate executive or a government leader hurl accusations at an another leader, we shake our head and wonder, “What happened to courtesy and respect?” And when we see members of our communities threaten one another in the midst of an unrelenting virus and continued racial and economic inequities, we must recognize a total lack of understanding. If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us hate to admit that we don’t understand something. I surely don’t want to be the guy who took twice as long to mow his yard because I didn’t understand how the process worked. That would be embarrassing. And I certainly don’t want to admit that I lack an understanding of my neighbor’s experience or whether health concerns supersede business concerns. I have always prided myself in being somewhat insightful and certainly empathic. However, if we as individuals, community members, and leaders want to create a better world for everyone, we must strive for greater understanding. Like I said earlier, I’ve been hesitant to say anything during this surreal time because I really didn’t know what to tell you. But I do believe in a process that was taught to me by my favorite social work professor who reminded us that we can never fully understand another person or their situation…but that we must try. So, maybe that’s what I can say. First and foremost, let’s try to understand those with whom we disagree, those who are not like us, and those ideas that seem complex. And perhaps when we sit down and explore the differences in our understanding, a light bulb will go off that reminds us that there are other ways of seeing the world than ours. And that’s what I was thinking about when I mowed my yard the other day—in both directions, by the way. As for the crown molding, I’ll leave that to the people who know more than me. Planning your virtual event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to book your healthcare speaker!
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By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
Back in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s, I was experiencing volunteer-itis, a condition known as the swelling of volunteer activities. I served on four church committees, was an active member of a Rotary Club, and was heavily involved in a national association. I was a bit overextended even though I enjoyed the opportunity to serve. After six straight years of various church committees, I finally finished out my last term and was looking forward to fewer meetings on my calendar each month. About three months after my last assignment, I got a call from a man in our church. He wanted me to consider serving three more years on a different committee. In a calm Christian voice, I said, “Bill, put the phone down, slowly step away, and no one will get hurt.” We both had a good laugh. But in the back of mind, I couldn’t help but feel that the organization didn’t respect the fact that I had served my time, so to speak, and needed a break. Their approach felt somewhat discourteous as they tried to squeeze more blood from a lemon and rope me in again (I think I mixed up those metaphors). It reminds me of that famous line from The Godfather when Michael Corleone said, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.” A contrast to requesting too much is no response at all. Several years ago, my wife and I wanted to volunteer for a local service organization. Being new to the area, we felt it would be a nice way to get involved in the community. On three separate occasions, we submitted the necessary paperwork expressing our interest in volunteering and listing the skills we could offer. Over a two-year period of time, we got no response from anyone in the organization. So, after hearing nothing, we pursued other opportunities. Then, about six months later, I got a call from someone in the very same hadn’t-followed-up organization who asked if I would be willing to redesign their website. Wait, what? This was not a skill that I had nor was it something I wanted to do. In my most respectful volunteer voice, I said, “What the heck is wrong with you people!” OK, I didn’t say that. Instead, I politely declined by indicating that my time was already committed to another project. Not only did their lack of follow-up lead to losing two new volunteers, it sent a discourteous message that we weren’t worth the effort. And when it comes to a lack of respect, you can see examples all over social media. Last year, a famous actor posted a photograph of her two young sons at the beach. Immediately, people attacked her parenting skills because the boys had long hair. She had simply shared a picture of two healthy, happy, long-haired boys enjoying the beach. And based on this, she was accused of neglect. I think the true crime was that those who judged her neglected to embrace an attitude of respect and courtesy. More recently, I watched a conversation unfold on Facebook that probably won’t surprise any of you. A colleague made a potentially offensive statement and then received several respectful counterarguments. Rather than simply acknowledging the different perspectives or offering his own respectful counterargument, this guy dug in his heels and continued to aggressively defend his position. His comments suggested that anyone who disagreed with him was wrong and his perspective was the only one that mattered. Well, as you can imagine, the conversation unraveled and the more he dug in, the worse it got. It was like hitting a tennis ball against a wall. No matter how clever you think you are, the wall will always win. Sadly, my colleague came across as quite insensitive as he posted more and more discourteous comments. These days, it seems that aggressively rude behavior is the norm. When it comes to a differences of opinions, the phrase, “You’re a ridiculous, uninformed idiot” is more common than, “Oh, thank you for that insight.” Why is it that we can’t respond to alternative perspectives with more courtesy? Do we think that we’re right and everyone else is wrong? Do we fear that understanding someone else’s view suggests that we’re giving credibility to a position we don’t support? Do we really believe that vinegar will attract more bees than honey? I was raised to respect people because we are all…well…people. Then, in social work school, I was taught to go a step further and to try to empathize with others—especially those whose experiences are different than mine. And even though there might be a voice in my head that occasionally says, “You’re a ridiculous, uninformed idiot,” I don’t say it out loud. Instead, I try to say, “Hmm, that’s interesting” while attempting to understand. Empathy is tough. However, if we can adjust our “knee-flexes” (those knee-jerk reflexes) and show a little courtesy, I wonder if we might just find that some of the friction gets smoothed out. In fact… I wonder what would happen if everyone agreed to respond to discourteousness with kindness and understanding? I wonder what would happen if we embraced the concept put forth by Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. who suggested that non-violence and love can be powerful weapons against intolerance? And I wonder what would happen if we used social media to build one another up rather than to tear each other down? Perhaps we can embrace the idea that we have a far greater chance of bridging gaps when we show courtesy and respect for each other. Then, maybe we can change the script to, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in…for a hug.” Planning your virtual event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to book your healthcare speaker! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
Two punch lines walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a setup?” I don’t hear you laughing. Maybe you’re not laughing because the joke isn’t that funny (I doubt that, but perhaps). Maybe you’re not laughing because the joke is funny but the punchline is a bit obscure (i.e. using an old joke format to illustrate the basic structure of a joke). Or maybe we are too socially distanced for me to hear you ROFL-ing. Whatever the reason, this is a classic philosophical conundrum. If someone tells a funny joke but no one laughs, is it still funny? I think that in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, civil unrest, a devastated economy, and the questionable return of college football, we need to explore something on the lighter side of life. So, let’s walk into that proverbial bar together. Watch your head. Haha. I’ve observed comedy all of my life. When I was in high school, I saw David Letterman’s first performance on The Tonight Show. I was mesmerized by his uniquely quirky style of humor. I also saw Steve Martin’s live performance at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. He was my favorite comedian, and even though he left the stage halfway through his act due to heat exhaustion, I still felt I had gotten my money’s worth. And then a few years later, when my wife and I were courting, comedy clubs became a frequent date-night destination. More than once, our food was served just before the opening act and I had to avoid spewing chicken wings through my nose as we tried to eat during the show. To me, there is nothing more fulfilling than the laughter that follows a perfectly delivered punch line. Whether it’s Lily Tomlin, Dave Chappelle, Hannah Gadsby, or Nate Bargatze, I love the way comedians deliver material in their own personal way. For comics, performers, and even those of us who are humorous speakers, laughter is simply, “gold, Jerry, it’s gold.” (If I used footnotes in my blogs, this is where I would reference Kenny Bania, a character on several episodes of Seinfeld.) Today, however, the laughter is absent from most humor venues. When my wife and I saw Brian Regan several years ago, waves of laughter filled the sold-out theater. It was like, “Haaaaahhhhhhhaaahhhhhhhhh.” But last night, when we were alone in our den watching Dave Chappelle’s 2017 special, it was more like, “Ha…(silent dead space)..ha. Heh, that was hilarious.” The television performance was just as funny as the live performance but our in-home, socially-distanced, small-crowd reaction was not the same. And with just the two of us in the room, we were careful not to “overlaugh.” We all know someone who overlaughs and no matter how funny the joke is, the reaction is over the top and frankly, it’s just awkward. Speaking of television performances, have you seen any of the Saturday Night Live episodes done from cast members’ homes? The creativity of the bits and production techniques were brilliant. But there wasn’t any laughter. The comedy formulas were there, but the outcome was different. So, perhaps there is a critical third part to the old formula. There’s a setup, a punch line and, there’s laughter. Without the laughter, the rest of the process feels like it loses something. “Laughterlessness” has a direct impact on my work. As a speaker who is accustomed to generating a few guffaws at in-person events, I have resigned myself to the fact that most of my programs will be postponed until next year. However, I do have a few virtual programs on the calendar. For those, I’ll stand in front of my webcam and try to muster the same humorous delivery that I would normally generate in front of several hundred people during a live program. But it’s very different because I can’t draw off of the audience’s reaction. So, when I deliver a darn good bit of funny (which happens quite frequently I should add), there is no laughter. I immediately start to question my darn good bit of funny or wonder if the participants have actually left the room and just kept their computers logged on to make it appear that they are still there. It’s terrifying to think that no one laughed because, well, they were gone. But you know what? Having a virtual option for humor is still better than having no option at all. I am forever grateful to the clients who feel that my material does translate to a virtual environment. And I’m perfectly fine sitting in the den with my wife watching a hilarious comedy performance while trying not to overlaugh. But I do look forward to the day when we can once again sit with several hundred people and experience, “Haaaaahhhhhhhaaahhhhhhhhh.” Whether we laugh by ourselves, in the intimacy of an environment with our significant others, or with a small group of socially distanced friends, I think we need to keep laughing no matter what. Laughter helps us maintain our balance when our world feels like it’s about to tumble. Humor allows us to step back and brush off some of the anxious burdens we’ve been carrying during the past few months. And during that moment of levity, we lighten the heaviness around us. So, I would recommend that you find a regular reason to watch comedy, to read a funny book or article, or to listen to a humorous podcast. Get a regular dose of humor and let it ease the pressure. It’s healthy and we need it—now more than ever. And remember what Steve Martin said, “A day without sunshine is, you know, night.” Planning your virtual event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to book your healthcare speaker! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
Did you ever wish that you could skip the holiday season just to avoid all the family tension? Yeah, me neither (in case my family is reading this). Well, you’re not alone. A lot of research has been done about the family stress we experience during the holidays. It’s not that we don’t love our kin, it’s just that they know how to get under our skin better than anyone. And lest you think that my life is perfect, we have one family member who everyone loves but who can push the limits of acceptable behavior. One minute, she’s the life of the party and the next minute, she’s complaining about the food or that there’s not enough to drink. And no matter how much feedback we give her, the situation never really improves. Does this sound familiar? Perhaps for you, it’s an uncle or a distant cousin. Or maybe it’s a parent or a child. When we come together for so-called celebrations, let’s be honest, we sometimes need a vacation just to get a break from the holiday. In an ideal world, we could choose our family rather than being born into it. Perhaps there will be a day in the future when an in-utero multiple choice quiz allows a newborn to pick like-minded parents. It would be a challenge to create since in-utero children aren’t that good at multiple choice quizzes. But if it was possible, a baby might be born and then tell the parents that they weren’t her first choice. That instead, she had chosen the Smiths down the road. But as I think about this, I wonder if this type of quiz would actually solve the problem. Probably not, because the Smiths might turn out to be just as messed up. You see, I think one of the reasons we have issues with our family is not because we’re unlike-minded. It’s because we are so like-minded. Think about it. The issue we usually most complain about is also the issue that drives us nuts. For instance, I love to control certain things in my life. Yet I am very critical of people who love to control certain things in their lives. It’s as if the very essence of who I am irritates me. Now there’s a conundrum—I’m one of the relatives that cause other family members stress. Go figure. On the other hand, we also have trouble with people who are not like us. As an example, most families include both conservatives and liberals, and when they get together, they don’t typically see eye-to-eye. Instead, they want an eye-for-an-eye, a tit for tat, and a quid quo pro. By the way, I don’t exactly know what a “tit for tat” is but I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with breasts or tattoos. So, essentially, during the holidays, we are thrust into an environment where the people who are similar irritate us and the people who are different drive us crazy. It’s a difficult dilemma and whether we like it or not, we’re stuck with it. And quite honestly, there are good and bad sides to it all. The good side is that family will help you move a couch or give you a ride when your car breaks down. The bad side is that they’re also the people who will berate you all the way to the repair shop because you didn’t attend to the check engine light, and on top of that, you didn’t vote for the right person in the last election. Knowing all of this, what do we do to make the most of the holidays without letting the holidays get the best of us? Allow me to share a few ideas of what we do with our “difficult” relative and maybe through our experience, you’ll get some help with your own situation. But as a disclaimer, I am not a family therapist nor a relationship columnist. Anything offered here is simply my opinion and should not be taken as professional advice. Here are some suggestions: Create boundaries. Whenever your loved one starts to get out of hand, I’ve found it helpful to set some boundaries that point out unacceptable behavior. If, for instance, someone starts to go off the rails about military spending or universal healthcare, I’ve found that it’s effective to say, in a firm but loving voice, “No” or “Bad Girl.” These simple directives create boundaries that may steer your family member back the next time they want to wander down a controversial path. Reward good behavior. As the old saying goes, you attract more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. I think this is true with most behavior. Research has shown that rewards are typically more powerful than punishments, especially for those who tend to react poorly to criticism or negative feedback. So, when a family member does something acceptable, make sure you reward the behavior. Offer a compliment such as “Nice” or “Good girl.” Even better, you can provide a treat like a food item or a toy. By rewarding the good behavior, you’re encouraging it to occur again. Use time out. When our children were young, time out was a very effective shaping tool. The key was that there was nothing fun in their rooms. So, time out was really boring and was not something they enjoyed. While it falls into the category of a negative feedback system, it does allow the offending party time to think about their behavior. Often, we use a shower stall or a large box for our difficult relative to spend a few minutes away from others. This seems to work quite well. This is the season for family. And not all family members get along. Nonetheless, I hope that these tips will help you sail through the holidays with as little stress as possible. And while it’s probably not appropriate to reveal the name of our problematic relative, I don’t think it would be helpful to keep her identity anonymous. So, for the sake of transparency and valuable feedback, our challenging family member is our dog, Piper. We love her but she can be a royal pain in the…well…you know. Happy holidays. Woof. Planning your virtual event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to book your healthcare speaker! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
Have you ever considered how much we take for granted every day? Most of us don’t have to worry about basic necessities such as food, clothing, and shelter. When we do, we become acutely aware of their value. However, if we look beyond these basics, there are many important conveniences that we may not even realize we’re overlooking. Take the fork, for example. This is an amazing device. It’s a spear, a scoop, and a knife—all in one. I don’t know if the fork was ever nominated for a Nobel Prize in the category of Culinary Engineering but I surely would have voted for it. As utensils go, knives have been around for as long as people have needed to stab something. And throughout early history, our hands were the most common tool to accompany the knife. Then, along came the fork and everything changed. We now have a reasonably safe alternative to the knife and a more convenient way to combine mashed potatoes and peas. And yet, when was the last time you paused to appreciate all of the forks in your life? Typically, we only realize their value when we’ve run out of clean forks and are forced to use a leftover set of chopsticks we got from the Chinese takeout. Yes, the everyday fork silently serves us without needing accolades or remuneration. And what about shoes? Now, there’s something we usually overlook (literally). As far back as 7000 BC, shoes have been a necessity. Back then, they were actually made of sagebrush bark because people needed protection for their feet. Today, our shoes are made of rubber, leather, canvas, or nylon and they feel a lot more comfortable than sagebrush bark (although I have no firsthand experience to make this claim). For me, shoes are critical. I live in the woods. I would never leave my house without a sturdy pair of shoes on. If I walked around my property barefooted, I’d spend my nights treating snake bites and pulling thorns from my toes. My shoes are very useful and now that I think about it, I even have different shoes for different activities such as walking, mowing, hiking, and flip flopping. But do I consider these benefits as I’m walking around the house or through the woods? Not really. Just like many routine conveniences, my shoes are too common to be noticed. And they’re not alone. The other day, I went looking for a light switch to replace one that no longer worked. I pulled out a box of household supplies from under the workbench in my garage and there, neatly organized, were my spare switches. I then proceeded to install the wrong switch thus having to uninstall it and reinstall the correct one because, when it comes to home repair, that’s how I roll. In hindsight, while I was frustrated with my installation incompetence, I realized that instead of having my stuff strewn all over the house and throughout the garage, I have supplies, mementos, and old documents stored neatly in boxes. What a marvel the box is. It organizes our hoarding needs, it fits neatly on a shelf, and we can stack them up to the ceiling if we wish. But how often do we stop to think about the magnificence of a simple, nondescript box? Rarely. Lastly, I’d like for you to take a look out the nearest window. What do you see? I see hundreds of trees. But I also see birds, blue sky, clouds, and butterflies. When I lived in the suburbs, I didn’t really notice the beauty of nature because my desk faced my neighbor’s fence. But now that I live in the country, I see extraordinary scenery every day. Yet, I haven’t really appreciated the utility of the window which allows me to bring that beauty of the outside world into my inside world. It’s quite an amazing development. I mean, can you imagine how hard it would be to drive a car without windows? There would be no need to “look both ways.” So, next time you want to see through a wall, consider that it’s a window that allows you to do so. I think we should remind ourselves that we are very accustomed to ordinariness and because of that, we take a lot for granted. We are lucky to have forks, shoes, boxes, and windows in our lives and even luckier that they are so readily available to us. But we should also strive to recognize and appreciate the wonderful value these and other common items provide for us. Being truly aware in life means being attentive to details. If you’re like me, you may need a nudge now and again to remind you to pay better attention. Otherwise, we will all be guilty of taking our lives for granted. So, the next time you’re eating a meal using your trusty and loyal fork, take a look though the nearest window to get a view of the world around you. If you are able, explore this world in your comfortable shoes and try to notice everything. If you find something interesting, and worth keeping, take it with you and place it in a box for safekeeping. This will always be your reminder to not take things for granted. Planning your virtual event? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today book your healthcare speaker and make your next event a success! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
My wife Wendy is really good at asking questions. She doesn’t ask them in an annoying way like “You did what?” or “Why can’t you put the lid down?” or “Who let the dogs out?” Instead, she asks them in both a thoughtful and interested way. If you watch her in a conversation, you’ll see someone who really knows how to engage others. I think most of us probably don’t ask enough questions. I have no research to back this up, and I suppose I could ask, but like many people, I prefer to appear knowledgable rather than show my ignorance in any particular situation. And yet, when I ask more questions and show a little humility, I tend to connect with others in a more human way. A few weeks ago, I was speaking at a healthcare event on Long Island in New York. I asked the hotel desk clerk to recommend a good sandwich place for lunch. He referred me to a kosher deli. Now, just so you know, I grew up in a small town in the south. As a child, I was not familiar with northern style delis. In fact, I never even had a bagel until I went to college. I remember biting into my first bagel and thinking, “The donuts at this university are horrible.” I guess I was a bit deprived in a hometown where there were no restaurants, no gas stations, and not one traffic light. And I’m pretty certain there wasn’t a kosher deli anywhere near my house. Thus, the opportunity to get a taste of New York was exciting but just a tad bit intimidating to me. I walked into the deli and the owner asked, “What will you have?” Feeling a bit awkward and not wanting to order something that I might regret, I said, “Well, I’m actually from the south and this is the first time I’ve been to a kosher deli. Could you recommend something?” A man at the end of the counter said, “Well, first of all, you need to know that nothing here comes with a side of grits!” We all laughed, and then the owner walked me through the menu and recommended a few of their most popular sandwiches. He then mentioned that he had recently visited the south and really loved the people and the food. We had a lovely conversation and I left with a good feeling, and a delicious pastrami on rye. In hindsight, I wondered if the situation progressed a bit more smoothly because I was willing ask a question rather than pretending to know what I was doing when, in fact, I did not. We’ve all been in those situations where we don’t want to look stupid. Once, a friend of mine was discussing a classic piece of literature he was reading. I had never heard of the book but rather than admit it, I just nodded my head and said “oh, yeah, great book.” In other words, I acted as if I was not only familiar with it but had actually read it. In that situation, I didn’t want to appear stupid and yet I acted like an idiot. Will Rogers once said, “Everybody is ignorant—only on different subjects.” It’s a good concept to remember. Instead of being proud, pretending to know it all, or fearing embarrassment, the act of asking questions can accomplish two things. First, it expands our knowledge. And second, it connects us with others. Let’s briefly consider each of these benefits. I wholeheartedly believe that one of our goals in life should be to expand our thinking and broaden our perspectives. By understanding in new ways, we can prevent our limited knowledge from becoming a barrier to growth. In the mid 1980’s, when I worked in hospice care, I had the privilege of caring for people with AIDS. It was a tragic situation and many of these individuals, mostly young men, had been shunned by society, by their families, and by some healthcare providers. At that time, we didn’t know a lot about the disease so we were all potentially at risk. Yet, we felt a drive and an obligation to care for these unfortunate souls. My teammates and I asked a lot questions of our medical colleagues, the infectious disease experts, and anyone who had information that we did not have. We didn’t get every question answered but the inquiries helped us to gain more knowledge than we had on our own. This knowledge made us more comfortable in an uncertain situation and allowed us to provide care to a group of individuals who had become disenfranchised. Asking questions also helps us to connect with others. When we ask people questions, we show that we’re interested in them. That makes them feel valued. Watch how someone’s behavior changes when you ask them to tell you about their day, their background, or their family. Most people love to share information with someone who is interested. Additionally, if we ask questions about topics we don’t know much about, we not only show our interest, we also show that we’re open to gaining new perspectives. This leads to a better understanding of ourselves and of others. And that, is a very human way of connecting. So, do you need to ask more questions? (See how I did that?) Probably. When we consider those times when we are frustrated, disconnected, and not sure where to turn, perhaps we need to ask a question. Remember: not only will it help expand our thinking and connect us with others, it’s just the kosher thing to do. Looking for your next healthcare speaker? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to make your healthcare event a success! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
I’ve never been much of a runner. In high school, I did participate on the track team for a couple of years but I focused on short races rather than long-distance events. I guess that’s why I’m pretty good at running to the bathroom but not much else. And even though I only competed in sprints, I still had to start each practice by running three miles with the rest of the team. I don’t know about you, but when I run farther than one-hundred yards, all I can hear is a voice in my head telling me how much I hate running farther than one-hundred yards. I suppose that means that I’m more of a “runner’s low” kind of guy. Today, my knees are not in running shape. I can still dash through an airport when I’m about to miss a flight but my days of playing pickup basketball and running hurdles are over. I do like walking though, and when I walk, I feel like I get two different benefits. I get to enjoy the beautiful scenery that surrounds our mountain home and I get a little bit of exercise. Isn’t it a bonus when we can engage in one activity but get multiple outcomes? I think this is something that we can do more often, especially at work. Recently, I got a call from a meeting planner in a non-profit organization who was considering me for their emcee at an event she was planning. The purpose of the event was to honor first responders in their community and to also act as a fundraiser for the non-profit organization. While discussing the event, we came up with a new twist on the idea. Instead of just raising funds for the non-profit organization, we thought it would be cool if they donated a portion of those funds to the first responders they were honoring. This would be a great way to generate three benefits from one event. I first learned about this idea of accomplishing multiple benefits when I visited Southwest Airlines over a decade ago. I had met Mary McMurtry at a conference and learned that she was part of the human resources department at Southwest Airline’s east coast hub in Baltimore. Since I lived near DC, I made a trip to her office so I could see the funky culture of Southwest Airlines in person. One of their practices made a big impact on me. Many organizations plan social events such as cookouts, happy hours, and birthday celebrations. However, it can sometimes be a challenge to pay for these activities—especially in non-profit organizations like the ones in which I worked. Southwest Airlines had a great solution. As an example, when Mother’s Day was approaching, the folks on their Fun Committee would purchase a bulk supply of flowers and then resell them to the employees, making a small profit. Then, they would donate half of the profit to the airline’s official community charity and the other half to the Fun Committee to pay for future events. By doing this, they not only provided a resource to employees (the flowers for Mother’s Day), but they also supported a local charity and had money for more cookouts, parties, and other employee events. I think this is brilliant. And this approach is not limited to out-of-the-box organizations like Southwest Airlines. Last year, I worked with a large group of nursing leaders at Northwell Health in New York. They met to generate ideas for improving the care and efficiencies in their healthcare system. Over two days, they held activities that encouraged brainstorming, creative thinking, problem solving, etc. One day, they undertook a team-building activity that involved putting together care bags that needed to be both attractive and neatly packaged. The team that did the best job in putting together these bags was given a prize. But here’s the cool thing about this activity—the care packages were then delivered to the pediatric units within their health system. So, once again, they accomplished two wonderful benefits from one effort. Another example comes from my former Rotary club which had one of the best combined service efforts I’ve ever seen. For a couple of weekends before Christmas, our members would help ring the Salvation Army bell at kettles in front of a local grocery store. As you probably know, the money collected in these kettles is used to support the Salvation Army’s many community service programs. But then, someone in the Rotary club came up with a brilliant way to add another benefit to this effort. As shoppers approached the store, they were given a list of personal care items such as toothpaste, socks, shampoo, and diapers. The shoppers were asked to consider buying one of these items while they were in the store. As they came out, Rotary members collected the items and then delivered them to the local homeless shelter. So, the Salvation Army benefited from the bell ringing and the shelter benefited from the multitude of personal care items that were collected each day. It was a win-win. A common phrase in the work world is “do more with less.” But I wonder if we can’t also “do more with the same?” When we have so many activities competing for our limited time, it’s a bonus when we find a way to accomplish more than one outcome with any particular task. It’s not the same as doing two things at once, or so-called multitasking, but instead, it’s about finding more than one benefit from the activity in which we’re already engaged. The more often we can find ways of multiplying our efforts, rather than duplicating them, the more efficient we become and the greater the impact we can have. I may no longer run sprints around a track, but I do take advantage of walking to enjoy the scenery and to get a little bit of exercise. When you do what you do, how might you appreciate more than one benefit from any specific activity? Take a run at it and see what can happen. Looking for your next healthcare speaker? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to make your healthcare event a success! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
Someone once said that we judge ourselves based on what we’re capable of doing but others judge us by what we’ve already done. This comment seems to address our reputation and unfortunately, our internal measure of reputation is not always in sync with the external evidence. I think of myself as a kind, witty, and easy-going individual. But I’m not sure my wife would always agree. Two recent incidences reminded me of the need for congruence. A few weeks ago, I traveled to upstate New York for a speaking engagement. When I arrived at the airport, I called the hotel to request a ride from their shuttle. The woman at the front desk, in a somewhat scolding manner, said, “You were supposed to schedule the shuttle ahead of time. But it just so happens it will be there in twenty minutes for another passenger. So you can ride along.” I was a taken aback by her comment. If the shuttle was already scheduled to be at the airport, why did she have to reprimand me for not pre-arranging it? Further, when I looked at the hotel website to better understand the get-me-to-your-hotel process, it said that the shuttle was available on a first-come basis. No hours of operation nor requirements to make a reservation were listed. That suggested to me that customers simply call and the hotel will send the shuttle. Of course, I didn’t study hospitality math when I was in college, so my logic may have been faulty. Ultimately, the shuttle took forty-five minutes to get to the airport. And when I finally got in, I explained to the driver how confusing their shuttle system was. He said, “Yeah, we are still relatively new at this and need to work out a few of the kinks at the hotel.” Again, I was taken aback. I thought it was a bit odd that the shuttle driver would be that concerned with the hotel’s procedures when his only job was to drive the shuttle. But I figured that’s how things worked in these smaller hotels—everybody knows a little bit about everything. Over the next couple of days, I kept seeing the shuttle driver doing odd jobs in the hotel. In the morning, he was cleaning the breakfast area because he said he “was concerned that it wouldn’t get done.” Later, he was organizing the area behind the front desk and then in the afternoon, he actually went to my room to check on a noisy heating unit. When it came time to return to the airport, the same man drove me. During our conversation in the shuttle, I discovered that he was not only the shuttle driver but the owner of the hotel, the restaurant, and the conference facility. His family had run businesses on that property for several decades. So his concern for the shuttle, the breakfast area, and my heating unit was because he cared about a business that he owned! I was glad we had the conversation about his role and that I learned about both his history in this community and his commitment to the hotel. But I must admit that I also did a quick inventory of everything I had said to him when I thought he was the shuttle driver. I would have regretted making a snide remark about the inattentive management of the hotel. Then, as if that surprise was not enough, I arrived at the airport to find that my flight had been delayed. When I approached the ticket counter to inquire about the status of my flight, the ticket agent yelled, “Ron!” I was taken aback once again. I live in Virginia. I was flying out of New York. I didn’t know any ticket agents in New York. She could tell I was confused so she explained that this was her evening job but that she had been in the audience of my presentation earlier that day. I told her I was so glad that she let me know me before I said something rude about the airline, the flight delay, or the world in general. She laughed, and I cringed. On the flight home, I kept thinking about my behavior throughout this trip as it related to the two people I encountered. What if I had said something terse to the ticket agent right after speaking to her colleagues about balance and a positive perspective? And what if I had treated the owner of the hotel differently if I thought he was a shuttle driver, thinking he might have his own gripes about the way the hotel was run? If I had done those things, my behavior would not have been congruent with who I want to be. Once, after speaking at a conference to several hundred people about finding humor in life and work, I was heading back to my car. I guess I was tired or perhaps deep in thought (probably not that deep). As I walked through the parking garage, many of the participants who had attended the conference were also leaving. I must have been frowning because one man lowered his window, stuck out his head, and said, “Hey, Ron, lighten up!” It made me laugh. He was practicing what I had taught—but I was not. The phrase “walking the talk” means doing what we say. If we tell our children to say nice things, then we should also say nice things. If we complain about poor customer service, then we should give good customer service. And if we hate all the negativity in the world, then perhaps we should be more positive. I want to be a kind, witty, and easy-going individual. So, every day, I should work at developing those qualities. If I’m a grumpy old man, as I sometimes can be, I’m clearly not walking the talk. Essentially, our behavior should reflect the congruence between how we want to be viewed and how others truly see us. Then, hopefully, we won’t be taken aback by the way we act. Looking for your next healthcare speaker? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to make your healthcare event a success! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
What drives me crazy about politics is that we usually only hear about the views on one side or another. Even though there are gray areas to almost every issue, many people refuse to see an alternative view. And unfortunately, if we’re not careful, we can go through life with limited perspectives just like that. The other day, I was splitting a log that measured about three feet in diameter. I had hit the darn thing about twenty times but hadn’t even cracked it. As a last resort, I turned the log over and saw that there was a huge natural crack spanning almost the entire width of the bottom side of the log. So, I set my sights on that crack. I swung hard and hit it. I swung again and missed. I swung a third time and hit the crack dead center. The log split open and fell apart. It was a very satisfying feeling for a person like me who, by the way, does not resemble Paul Bunyan in the least. I scanned the area to see if anyone had witnessed the feat and who might be as impressed by it as I was. But alas, I was alone in the field. Of course, after cracking open the log, one might say I was “out standing” in my field. The point of relaying my struggles with the log is this: Once I chose to see my problem from another perspective, I found a solution. This is not the first time I’ve been surprised by a new insight. You’d think that by now, I would be more open to considering other options. But I suppose I suffer from a common affliction—my default response is to see things the way I’ve always seen them. When I worked as a director of quality improvement, I referred to this as “solving the same problem over and over.” Another area where I see this tendency is when I work on a crossword puzzle. You see, I don’t have a very large vocabulary. In fact, if you’ve read my articles on a regular basis, you probably noticed that I use the same words over and over but just organize them in different ways. I guess I have never been that magniloquent. See how I did that? Anyway, when I attempt to solve a crossword puzzle, I often misunderstand the clue. For instance, I once had this clue: “Strips in a club.” I assumed the answer had something to do with a woman named Gypsy or Blaze. But the answer was actually “bacon.” It was referring to the “strips” in a club sandwich. I had confused a noun with a verb. But the minute I adjusted my perspective, it was obvious…and a tad bit embarrassing (my apologies to Gypsy and/or Blaze who may have been offended by my initial assumption). To me, unlocking new perspectives is one of the most valuable skills in life. When we get so attached to our familiar world view, we miss the many possibilities that might lie just outside our narrow vision. One of my favorite speakers is DeWitt Jones. He is a former National Geographic photographer who speaks on the topic of seeing things from a new perspective. He uses photography to make this point. As a professional who was always trying to get that perfect shot, he shows his audiences how he frequently thinks he has achieved it only to find that if he changes his location, alters his position, or waits for the light to change, he gets an even better photograph. His visual metaphor is one we can learn from. Have you ever gone into a building and pulled on a door that says, “Push”? Or have you ever gotten off on the wrong floor in a hotel because the normal behavior is to step off the elevator when the door opens? Or has someone ever told you to have a good trip and you automatically say, “You too,” even though they were not going on a trip? These are all examples of habitual thinking that lead to habitual doing. And when we act on habits, we’re no longer paying attention. Wouldn’t be cool if we could go into every situation imagining the possibilities rather than expecting the same old same old? In order to accomplish this, we must recognize our habitual tendencies and look for new realities. When we open our eyes to the possibilities in front of us, we’re no longer on autopilot and thus have more options. The simple procedure for doing this is to see with new eyes. For instance, when we look at a tree, we often see a tree. But if you truly look at a tree, you will see hundreds of colors, shapes, textures, and movements. All of the parts that make up the tree are intricately interwoven into a new experience that we simply label as a tree—but is actually so much more. The same applies to everything we do. If we pause to truly listen to our colleagues, we might gain a new perspective on their perspective. When we look at our reactions to stressful situations, we might see that our thinking is automatic and not necessarily helpful in reducing the stress. And if we get up every morning anticipating the chance that we might experience something new, the day opens up to us. When we truly see, our world opens up. So, when you come to a door, pay attention to whether it says to push or pull. When the elevator door opens, stop and check the floor before bounding off. And before swinging your axe at the log, just turn it over to see if there is an easier way. By doing so, the path becomes more interesting and full of possibilities. Looking for your next healthcare speaker? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to make your healthcare event a success! By Ron Culberson. With a master’s degree in social work, Ron Culberson spent the first part of his career working in a large hospice organization as a clinical social worker, middle manager, and senior leader. As a speaker, humorist, and author of "Do it Well. Make it Fun.The Key to Success in Life, Death, and Almost Everything in Between", he has delivered more than 1,000 presentations to associations, government agencies, non-profit organizations, and corporations. His mission is to change the workplace culture so that organizations are more productive and staff are more content. He was also the 2012-2013 president of the National Speakers Association and is a recognized expert on the benefits of humor and laughter.
A couple of weeks ago, my wife Wendy and I were engrossed in a one-on-one game of Canasta. The two of us started playing last year and have even joined a monthly Canasta group in our community. I don’t really have a mind for card playing so these games can test my patience. Add to that a somewhat dicey history of head-to-head competition between Wendy and me, and it’s a perfect set up to destroy my otherwise suave and respectful demeanor. You see, when Wendy and I were first married, we were extremely competitive when it came to playing games. Whether it was backgammon, Trivial Pursuit, or trying to guess the answers before the contestants did on Jeopardy, we went for blood. I remember one incident where a backgammon board was abruptly overturned mid-game because someone was losing. Wendy would deny that she did it. But since she probably won’t read this blog, I feel confident in stating that it absolutely was her. Even though our early years of marriage were marred by our shared and deep-seated need to win, we eventually realized that it was better to experience the fun of a civil game rather than to end one prematurely with hard feelings and broken game pieces. But, once in a while, our repressed competitiveness still bubbles up. The Canasta game a few weeks ago started innocently enough with my winning two hands in a row. I only point out my card-melding prowess because I don’t usually win even one hand, much less two hands in a row. It appeared to me that it was going to be a night of Canasta domination. Then I lost the third hand by almost a thousand points and my lead evaporated. The fourth hand ended before I had laid down a single card which meant I would have a negative score for that hand. So, during the course of two hands, I went from a commanding lead to a score that a mediocre player could have beaten blindfolded. At the realization of what had just happened, and I say this with no pride whatsoever, I let loose a few carefully chosen expletives and slammed my fist down on the table. I guess I hit the surface a bit too hard because the vibration from the impact traveled into the oak grain of the table, across the divider leaf, and into the base of a wine glass. It then shimmied up the stem and shattered the entire glass as if a stick of dynamite had exploded inside it. The broken glass flew through the air while continuing to break apart upon impact with various items around our living room until it ultimately landed on the floor. Wendy simply stood up and walked away. I slowly made my way to the closet, retrieved the vacuum cleaner, and began the arduous task of cleaning up what remained of my…well…whine glass. Whenever I have a strong reaction like this, I am both aware and unaware at the same time. I simultaneously know how ridiculous my response is and yet, like a knee-jerk reflex, I react before my awareness can stop me. The good thing, however, is that as I get older, the gap between my reaction and my awareness is closing. Again, Wendy is not likely to agree with this assessment but as I’ve said, she’ll never see this blog. As I listen to the news these days, I think we could all agree that the world is full of uncertainty. And at the risk of being too simplistic, I believe there are some similarities between my glass-shattering Canasta game and our current environment. The truth is that there are situations happening all around us that we can’t control. The only thing we can control is how we play our cards and how comfortable we are with the results of the game—regardless of the outcome. The key is to become aware of the role our minds play in these kinds of situations. When I felt my Canasta game slipping through my hands, my mind instantly went to work. It told me things like, “You are the worst Canasta player on the planet,” and “You’re such a loser,” and “Why is Wendy so obsessed with beating you?” Our minds love to create chaos even if there is no chaos to begin with. During the game, I had simply lost a couple of hands of cards. No more, no less. Canasta playing is not a critical life skill. And I am not a lesser person because I lost two hands. And most important, a card game is just a card game. It’s not life or death. Similarly, with all that is happening in the world right now, while obviously a different level of importance, our minds tend to react similarly. They tell us things like, “This virus is the worst illness in history” or “The stock market will never recover,” or “I’m going to have to use magazines for toilet paper.” Again, our minds love to create chaos and want to lead us down the path of believing things that may not be true. The reality of the current world situation is that there is a serious virus that’s affecting how we live. We don’t have control over the virus but we have control over how we respond. And most importantly, we do what we can to stay safe and healthy but try to manage our minds so that we don’t create more stress for ourselves. This is what mindfulness is. It’s the ability to be present and to bring our minds back to the reality of the moment. When we can see the true situation, rather than the situation in our heads, we can respond calmly and with wisdom. This is much healthier than sitting in our living rooms wringing our hands in a woe-is-me state of anxiety. Because, when we do that, we miss the opportunity to use our time in a productive and fulfilling way. And if we waste away our time in worry, we never get that time back. As a result of the Coronavirus, many of my speaking engagements have been cancelled, our investments have tanked, our daughter’s wedding will have to be postponed, many of our friends and family are at higher risk due to age, and in my volunteer job as an ambulance driver I could be exposed. And yet, I don’t have control over how any of those things play out. I only have control over how I respond to them. If I choose to respond with clarity, truthfulness, and a sense of calmness, both my life and the lives of those around me will be better. So, as we face the uncertainty of these times, let’s understand that our minds would prefer to elevate the chaos in our lives. With a bit of wisdom, however, we can nip that in the bud and choose to see many situations for they truly are—neither overwhelming joy nor devastating tragedy. They simply are what they are. Now to be clear, I have a lot of work to do to recapture my sense of mindfulness while playing Canasta. But I will start by taking it one hand at a time. I suggest we consider facing the challenges in our own lives the same way and if we do, perhaps we will find it a bit easier to play our cards right—in any situation we may be dealt. Looking for your next healthcare speaker? Get in touch with us at the Capitol City Speakers Bureau today to make your healthcare event a success! |
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